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The Aquilian

The Aquilian

Pet marriages: hobbies of the rich?


When the topic of marriage comes up, normally the bride and groom are not both quadrupeds that get their food from bowls, albeit diamond-encrusted ones. The idea of pet weddings to me was something that only could happen in a funny movie, such as ‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2’. Although I entered into the reading with an already strong opinion after reading just the headline, reading testimony from people whose pets are married actually made it worse.

I mean, good lord. “Animals getting married? That is hilarious, silly, goofy even…. wait you’re not joking?” was what was going through my head during the first paragraph. I know millennials have a very odd attachment to their pets and a tendency to treat them as people, but this is unprecedented. An unprecedented action that can cost up to $250,000 apparently.

Rich people do some crazy things, but this is completely wild. Like Elon Musk naming his kid ‘Exa Dark Sideræl’ levels of wacky. It’s almost as if rich people get bored of having their private yachting club and heated penthouse for their pets, so they are finding new ways to further glorify them. For wealthy pet owners, they would probably consider it animal abuse if their dog did not get a perfectly cooked steak for every meal of the day. I would even wager for some of these people the dog is a recipient of some form of money on their will.

Some people will see this as a fun get-together idea or a ‘fine reason to throw a party’, but I just cannot fathom the logic behind it. This is among the biggest wastes of time and money I can think of, similar to just burning the cash outright. Normal marriages in the United States are already a trainwreck; they can be exceedingly expensive and at the end of the day only have around a 50% chance of succeeding. These days you can literally marry an anime character in some countries (ok technically the man in the article married a representation of a vocal synthesizer, but basically the same thing). That purported ‘sanctity’ that comes with marriage drops even further when animals are permitted to also go through a similar process. Sure people are now able to marry figures that are not actual other people, but that person still decides to marry no matter how questionable that decision may be. A marriage between animals, in my view, is a delusional concept that should never have existed in the first place.

Not only would a marriage like that be invalid in every church and hopefully government institution, it just makes zero sense. Animals are not the same as humans; they do not develop the same bonds between themselves as we do and they most certainly are not capable of thought like we are. Certain mammals such as wolves and coyotes are known to be monogamous and tend to mate for life, and therefore would be candidates for the human concept of love and matrimony, but dogs do not display those traits.

It is easy to be optimistic and hope that most animals would mate for life, but unfortunately, for many species that is not the case. From this article, “Animal Attraction: The Many Forms of Monogamy in the Animal Kingdom” from the National Science Foundation, monogamy is rare in the animal kingdom. According to Bruce Cushing, author of that article, there has not yet been a single mammal species that have been definitively shown to be truly monogamous, and “only about three to five percent of the approximately 4,000+ mammal species on Earth practice any form of monogamy.” Many people like to point to dogs and other pets as a sign of loyalty, but they would be statistically incorrect. On top of that, sure some animals are perceptive and ‘intelligent’, but if you could somehow get a dog to speak English I can guarantee you they would not be able to form their own opinion on this topic. Critical thinking is something that only humans possess, and it really is what allows our marriages to matter. We think and decide whether a person is right for us or not, and that allows us to make decisions bigger than food, shelter or reproduction. Animals are not capable of higher thought beyond survival necessities, and they certainly are not capable of exchanging vows with another animal.

I think it is pretty clear that this is a waste of time and money, and the relationship of the animals involved amounts to nothing. I understand people love their pets, but a dog is not a person no matter what outfits you buy, treats you arrange, or marital ceremonies you set up.

Marriage is something that should be reserved only for conscious and higher thinking creatures of proper age who can decide for themselves what is right. It should not be made into some fun practice that can be forced upon pets for the owner’s entertainment or gratification. Pets should be treated as pets, and although we should love and care for them, it is unreasonable to try to force a human relationship on them.


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